How can it be the most irritating noise a guy makes when you are trying to sleep,
But the cutest little sounds when it comes from your kid.
Or pet cat in my case. Which I think of as my kid anyway.

I know I think too much.
But sometimes I go so far off the tangent,
I surprise even myself.
Why be so hard on yourself?

I love crowds and bustling places. But recently I have been enjoying the pleasure of a quiet afternoon. Hunter's snoozing outside with sunbeams on him, Kelly's snoozing with a fan that churns so loud I wonder how he does it. And me? I only slept 4 hours today and I need a nap. But I'm savouring every minute of my quiet time.

As long as my eyes are still open which is not for long now. Good afternoon and good night.

I really really really don't want to talk about it. Honestly, I'm pretty sick of talking about it.

And I'm starting to really really really regret my decision. Surely there is something else we can talk about?

A conflicting message is when you have told me all my life that I have to be strong, I have to stand up for myself and that you can't take care of me always, then turn around to say that you want me by your side forever.

Truth is when you decide to have one child, you should cease all expectations. Cos it's a wild card right from the beginning. You can't expect that if the kid didn't screw up, they should stick with you.

I want to be understanding. I like to think I have been but I'm not the most patient person. Don't remind me all the time I made a bad decision. Repeating the same thing over again and again isn't going to make it sink in.

My grievances were in paragraphs but no one likes a griper. So it ends here.

It seems too early in the year for reflection but I'm learning that every decision has consequences and consequences can build up into a series of unfortunate events.

I'm learning that I often disregard consequences to live in the moment. Living in the moment isn't so fun now.

I think in life, we all have to guard against bitterness. Because it creeps up on us. And by the time we realise it, we just sink more and more into our own unhappiness.

Thank you peeps for your concern. Things are not very ideal right now but I will be strong to help.

Suddenly there's a shadow over my joy of homecoming.



Maybe, just maybe, things will lighten up when I'm back?

How is it that age bestows one with the assumption that they know it all?
How is it that habit provides one with the excuse to do the very same thing told not to do?

Age does not equal Experience does not equal Complete Knowledge.
Habit does not equal Blind Routine does not equal Inflexible Action.

The only way to handle change is with grace and consideration.

I think people have their priorities all wrong. Why a kid when a dog reciprocates your love 10 times more? When it jumps in front of a rattlesnake to take the bite or when it just wags in joy to welcome you home.

For that matter, why a cat? It only comes home when it wants something. It leaves after it gets something. You want to show your affection but they wiggle out of your grasp. You want to love them but they decide when they want the affection.

A kid and a cat, same deal. Both exasperating but sometimes, they break your resolve and melt your heart. Times like this.


I was spring cleaning and Hunter decided to climb into the cabinet to check out my work.

Btw, I noticed that Hunter tends to be super affectionate when both Kelly and I are around. You know how parenting experts advocate a whole family with both parents still in a relationship? How odd that the same might apply to cats.

Source

3 weeks of binge eating.
I made kueh for myself.
And I pant after climbing a flight of stairs.
I need to stop binging.

Tonight I had fun reading my old diary. I realised that as I aged, I have become more withdrawn emotionally to the point that I deny myself from penning my thoughts. I wonder how many epiphanies I have missed. How many opportunities lost to laugh at myself. How many stories not written to show that I have become stronger.

Ever played crimson room? You wake up in a mysterious red room. The door is locked and there is no key. You panic and start searching the room for a secret opening. Along the way, you find strange clues which makes no sense but you pocket them anyway. Eventually you get all the clues, piece them together and find the key which was in the room all along.

I am in that crimson room. Maybe one day I will find the desire to get out. Right now it's safe in here.

been hit by a lazy bug after the wedding and long road trip.

been avoiding doing anything and that includes replying emails and uploading wedding pics.

been falling in and out of a flu. everytime i get better, k gets worse. everytime he gets better, i get worse.

been doing nothing and it feels goooood.

i take that back. i read all your blogs, train kitty how to use the cat door and clean up the mess that is our house!

Singapore food blogs make me hungry.
Hungry makes me want lunch.
Lunch makes me wish for the convenience of a hawker center.
No such convenience means I have to cook.
Think I will go eat some biscuits.

i was never good at negotiating.
that's how i ended up trading one for one
and ended up with nothing.

It's been 9 months since I began life here. Where did all that time go?!

When I first arrived, I was a vehement critic of the public transport here. Long waiting periods, not on time, dirty seats, dirty floors, doors that don't work, shady passengers, buses that don't run after a certain time ...

I wonder if I will turn into a vehement critic of SBS when I go home next year. No seats, always packed like sardines, people don't move aside, people pushing you to get out or in, people poking wet umbrellas onto your feet ...

Maybe I should appreciate public transit in US more.
Ha, who are we kidding.

I really really really really really wish that Kelly didn't have to travel to another city for work every week. There is so much wedding stuff to do here and if he worked in LA, we can still get some things done after work.

I really really really really really wish that Kelly wasn't so busy at work. That way, he can take leave so we can clear our wedding to-do list faster.

I really really really really really wish that Kelly had time to teach me driving. That way, I can get more things done. A 15min drive takes me 1 hour by bus. A 45min drive takes me 2.5 hours by bus.

I really really really really really wish that I learnt to drive before coming over. That way, I don't have to depend on Kelly at all.

Sigh.

what else can i do to get cash fast?

Today k and i were checking our accounts. though we have been watching our spending, we haven't saved any money. Taxes here are skyhigh. Not to mention you need to pay insurance for basic medical and dental care. So if you aren't covered by insurance, going to a general practitioner could set you back by hundreds. That's how expensive medicine is. But that's another story.

While we have a safety net now with some savings, it's bound to be rapidly depleted with no chance of replenishment by the end of the US wedding. I don't dare to think about Singapore wedding. Sometimes i wonder if we made the right decision in keeping me here. We would have spent twice the money on legal and procedure fees to get my status adjusted from Singapore but I would have been able to support myself and squirrel away money. Anyway, it's too late to reverse this decision. Which leaves the question of how i can get more money.

So while I wait, I am considering my non-legal work options. Babysitting is out, I am not exactly baby mama material. Waitressing is tempting. Reminds me of a running joke shiawlin and i used to make about me being an aspiring actress and she an aspiring musician and we would waitress to support ourselves while waiting for our big break. How true this is turning out to be!

If you have writing jobs lobang, I would greatly appreciate if you could let me know. I used to write for a popular Singapore interior design magazine, Homestyle. Also, if you want to get that Coach bag which is grossly overpriced in Singapore, I can help ship it back for a small fee. the price difference in bags is $300 at the very least. do the maths, you could save a lot!