Sigh ... I realise I am not the most tactful of people. I try to mind my words when I am talking to strangers but now I have to watch what I say to friends too?!

Why is it that everytime I think we have gotten over the need to mince words and be polite, you remind me otherwise? Shouldn't you realise by now that I don't say things to inflame or attack? I guess you do. That's why you would treat me coldly, try to reason with yourself that I don't mean it and yet you are seething with anger inside. But what did I even say wrongly?

Why say "the three of us are strays" then proceed to cast me out when I align with your feelings? How is "Anyway, you don't regard her as cell leader anymore." launching 'a personal attack on you and you have the rights to reject abuse'? How is this a personal attack? If you did see her as a cell leader, you won't treat her the way you do. You won't make her angry or ignore her. You won't not attend church just so you won't see her. AM I WRONG? Tell me if I am. You can correct me. Why disappear and boil in anger, letting this build up into a grudge? This is not fair to me either. I have the right to defend myself too.

I am just defending her. Maybe deep down, you still see her as one. Then I am wrong. I have read your actions and intended meanings wrongly. I can just conclude I don't know you well enough. I can read in your message that you think we are all tattletales. That we are gestapo even. And so you limit yourself to that small circle of 2. Everytime someone tries to genuinely care, all you do is to establish their intentions and if they aren't found honourable enough by YOUR standards, you close the door immediately and disappear in a cloud of paranoia and anger. You realise that your threshold for friendship is so low that anyone who is or was part of the cell cannot even build a friendship unless she is in your exact same situation??!!

Once again, I have to remind myself to thread carefully with you. That I can't talk freely with you. Looks like I have to go through this over and over again before I learn to keep things casual and light between us. As much as you are hurt, I am too. And I forget time and again how to avoid hurting myself.
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